Parent, Adult, Child: Recognising the Patterns That Keep Couples Stuck
Relationships can bring out both the best and the most vulnerable parts of us. At times, we might feel balanced and connected with our partner, while at other times we find ourselves reacting in ways that surprise or even frustrate us. We might overreact, withdraw, criticise, or feel defensive. This often occurs without fully understanding why and you might find yourself asking “why do I always act like this?”.
Transactional Analysis (TA), a psychological theory developed by Eric Berne, offers a useful framework for exploring these dynamics. It suggests that our communication and behaviour come from three distinct ego states: Parent, Adult, and Child (PAC). Understanding these can help us see patterns in how we relate to others and why certain conflicts or habits repeat in our relationships.
The Parent, Adult, and Child ego states
Parent:
This state reflects the attitudes, beliefs, and behaviours we absorbed from authority figures, often during childhood. The Parent can be nurturing and protective (“Let me help you, you’ve had a tough day”), or critical and controlling (“You never do things properly”).
Example:
If your partner forgets to take the bins out and you respond with, “You never remember anything, I have to do everything myself,” you might be speaking from a Critical Parent state.
Adult:
The Adult is the rational, present, and balanced part of us. It helps us process information objectively, make decisions based on the here-and-now, and communicate effectively. The Adult asks questions, seeks understanding, and takes responsibility for actions.
Example:
If your partner forgets to take the bins out and you respond with, “I noticed the bins weren’t taken out. Could we work out a plan that helps us both stay on top of it?”, that’s an Adult-to-Adult interaction.
Child:
The Child represents our feelings, creativity, spontaneity, and needs that were shaped in early life. It can be playful and affectionate (“I love when we do fun things together”) or reactive and defensive (“You never listen to me. I don’t matter to you”).
Example:
If you feel criticised and shut down or become tearful and withdrawn, that might be your Adapted Child feeling powerless or hurt.
We all move between these states throughout the day. None of them are inherently “bad”; they each serve a purpose. Problems arise when we become stuck in one or when partners fall into repeating dynamics that reinforce unhelpful patterns.
Relational habits and repeating patterns
Many couples find themselves having the same argument in different forms. One partner might take on a “parental” tone, while the other withdraws into a “child” position. Over time, this becomes a familiar dance - one criticises, the other avoids; one demands closeness, the other shuts down.
These patterns often reflect deeper emotional needs. For instance, a partner’s Critical Parent might stem from a fear of being let down, while the other’s Adapted Child might carry a fear of rejection or not being good enough.
When these roles become the status quo, they can reinforce disconnection. Each person starts to respond not to their partner in the present, but to an internalised version of a past dynamic, often echoing early experiences of authority, care, or conflict.
How the status quo can reinforce disconnection
Once established, these patterns can feel almost automatic. The more one partner criticises, the more the other defends or withdraws. The withdrawal subsequently reinforces the beliefs that the partner doesn’t care or isn’t motivated to change and helps to fuel the more critical partners emotional responses. Over time, this can erode trust and closeness, creating a loop that keeps both partners stuck.
Breaking this cycle requires awareness - both individual and shared. When we begin to notice which ego state we are responding from and we can better assess where our partner is coming from, we open the door to new ways of relating.
Building self-awareness
The first step is noticing your own triggers and reactions. Ask yourself:
When I’m upset or defensive, which ego state am I in?
Do I sound more like a parent, an adult, or a child in this moment?
What does this part of me need right now - reassurance, control, safety, understanding?
Is my response helping me connect or pushing us further apart?
It can also help to reflect on your early experiences of communication, conflict, and affection. How did your caregivers express emotion? Were you allowed to share feelings freely, or did you learn to hold them in? These insights can help you understand why certain relational patterns feel so familiar.
Increasing shared awareness through communication
Once you’ve developed some awareness individually, it can be powerful to bring this understanding into the relationship. One approach that supports this kind of dialogue is Imago Relationship Therapy, developed by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt (there is more information on the Imago approach in this previous post).
Imago encourages partners to engage in structured dialogue - taking turns to mirror what the other person says, validate their perspective, and empathise with their experience. It slows communication down and helps both people feel heard, rather than slipping into defensive or parental roles.
For example:
Partner A: “When you walk away in the middle of an argument, I feel abandoned and small.”
Partner B (mirroring): “You feel abandoned and small when I walk away in the middle of an argument.”
Partner B (validation): “That makes sense. I can see how that would feel painful.”
Partner B (empathy): “I imagine it might remind you of times you felt ignored or not important.”
This style of communication helps partners move from reactive ego states into a more balanced Adult connection, where empathy and curiosity replace blame and defensiveness.
Exploring together: questions for reflection
Here are some prompts you can use individually or as a couple to explore these dynamics:
Self-awareness questions
When I feel triggered, what happens in my body and emotions?
What early experiences might this feeling connect to?
Which ego state am I most comfortable in, and which one do I find hardest to access?
How do I show care or protection, and does it sometimes become controlling?
Joint reflection questions
What patterns do we notice in how we argue or withdraw from each other?
When one of us feels unheard, how do we each tend to respond?
Which ego states do we see most often in our communication?
How can we remind each other gently when we fall into old patterns?
What helps us both feel safe enough to stay in our Adult states during conflict?
Moving forward
Understanding the Parent, Adult, and Child states can transform the way couples relate to each other. By recognising when you’re speaking from an old pattern rather than the present moment, you create space for empathy and growth.
Change begins not by blaming one another, but by noticing, with curiosity and compassion, the parts of ourselves that show up in love, conflict, and repair. When both partners take responsibility for their own ego states and work together to build awareness, the relationship can shift from reactive to reflective, and from defensive to deeply connected.
