When Christmas Doesn’t Feel Merry: Working with Shame and Loneliness during the holiday season
Every year, the same message fills our screens, shop windows, and social feeds: Christmas is supposed to be joyful. We’re told it’s a time for laughter, family, connection, and warmth. Yet for many people, the festive season can highlight what’s missing rather than what’s there. If you’re feeling lonely, low, or simply not in the spirit, it’s easy to start believing there’s something wrong with you.
Who Says It’s Supposed to Be Fun?
When we pause to think about it, the idea that Christmas must be fun doesn’t really hold up. There’s no universal law that says joy is mandatory in December. Instead, it’s a social expectation and something shaped by advertising, cultural traditions, and the stories we’re told growing up. Films, songs, and TV specials often show idealised scenes of togetherness, gifts, and laughter. But these are snapshots of fantasy, not reality.
Real life is far more complex. Relationships can be strained, grief may feel heavier, and financial pressures or health worries don’t disappear just because the calendar says it’s Christmas. In fact, for many, these can increase during the holiday season. Expecting ourselves to feel happy on cue often creates a gap between how things are and how we believe they should be. That gap is where shame tends to grow and distress increases.
Understanding Shame Around Loneliness
Shame tells us that we are somehow “bad” or “not enough” for feeling differently to others. You might notice thoughts like:
“Everyone else is having a good time, so what’s wrong with me?”
“If I were more fun or more likeable, I wouldn’t be alone.”
“I shouldn’t feel this way, it’s Christmas.”
These are harsh inner narratives, often learned from years of comparison and social pressure. The truth is, there’s nothing shameful about feeling lonely, sad, or disconnected. Emotions are not moral failings but rather they’re human experiences.
Working with Shame
The first step in softening shame is recognition. Notice when those critical thoughts appear and name them for what they are – shame, not truth. You might say to yourself, “I’m noticing shame showing up because I don’t feel festive right now.”
From there, self-compassion becomes key. Ask yourself what you’d say to a friend in the same position. Chances are, you’d offer kindness, not criticism. You can do the same for yourself.
It can also help to ground yourself in reality, rather than comparison. The truth is that many people struggle at Christmas, even if they don’t show it. Loneliness in the UK tends to increase over the winter months, especially among people who live alone, are bereaved, or find social situations overwhelming. You are far from alone in feeling this way.
Easing Loneliness During the Festive Period
While loneliness can’t always be “fixed”, there are small and meaningful ways to ease it:
Plan gentle structure. Create a few simple things to look forward to, even if they’re small, like a favourite walk, a good book, or a film you’ve been meaning to watch.
Connect in ways that feel safe. This might be calling a friend, joining a local community meal, or volunteering. Many charities in England run Christmas Day gatherings for anyone who would otherwise be alone.
Acknowledge loss. If you’re grieving, give space to that. You might light a candle, write a letter, or share a memory with someone you trust.
Limit social media. Constant exposure to “perfect Christmas” posts can deepen shame and comparison. Taking a break can be an act of self-care.
Reach out for support. If loneliness or sadness feels too heavy to manage, talking with a counsellor can help. Many services continue through the holidays, and some offer low-cost or online options.
A Different Kind of Christmas
There’s no right or wrong way to experience this time of year. For some, it’s a time of celebration; for others, it’s quieter, reflective, or painful. Allowing yourself to feel what’s true for you and not what you think you should feel can bring relief.
Christmas doesn’t have to be merry to be meaningful. Sometimes, simply making space for your feelings, showing yourself compassion, and staying connected in small ways can be enough.
