Communicating with Care: An Introduction to Imago Dialogue
Communication can either deepen connection or create distance in our relationships. Imago dialogue offers a structured, compassionate way to listen, reflect and respond which helps partners to move from conflict to understanding. This approach encourages us to slow down, hear each other fully and build safer, more connected relationships.
Imagine this: You’re tired after a long day and just want some time together, but your partner comes home late again. Before you know it, the conversation turns into blame and defensiveness. One says, “You never think about me,” and the other snaps back, “I work so hard and you don’t appreciate it.” Sound familiar? These are the kinds of patterns many couples find themselves stuck in - a back and forth cycle where change is off the table as both people are focused on winning their own personal battle. This is where Imago dialogue can offer a way forward.
What is Imago?
Imago dialogue is a structured approach to communication created by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. It was developed to help couples move beyond cycles of conflict and towards deeper understanding. The word imago means “image” in Latin, reflecting the idea that we all carry unconscious images of love and connection shaped by early life experiences. These can influence how we relate to others in adulthood.
At its core, Imago provides a safe space for two people to truly hear one another without interruption, judgement or defensiveness. It slows communication down and allows both people to feel acknowledged and valued.
The Three Steps of Imago Dialogue
Imago dialogue is built around three simple but powerful steps:
1. Mirroring: The listener repeats back what they have heard, word for word or in essence, without adding their own interpretation. It shows the speaker that they have been heard clearly. Example: “What I hear you saying is that when I raise my voice, you feel criticised and small. Did I get that right?”
2. Validation: The listener acknowledges that the speaker’s feelings and perspective make sense, even if they don’t fully agree. Example: “I can see how that would make sense to you because raised voices can feel threatening.”
3. Empathy: The listener connects emotionally by imagining how the speaker might feel in the situation. Example: “I can imagine that left you feeling anxious and hurt.”
The Role of “I” Statements
A key part of Imago dialogue is learning how to share your experience using I statements rather than you statements. This reduces blame and keeps the focus on expressing feelings.
What I statements are:
They start with “I feel…” or “I notice…” rather than “You make me…”
They take ownership of your emotions without putting the other person on the defensive.
They describe your experience rather than judging your partner.
Examples:
“I feel hurt when you come home late because I was looking forward to spending time together.”
“I feel anxious when plans change suddenly because it leaves me feeling out of control.”
What I statements are not:
They are not disguised accusations.
They don’t include blame or criticism hidden after the I.
Examples of what not to say:
“I feel like you don’t care about me.”
“I feel angry because you’re selfish.”
When used well, I statements invite dialogue rather than defensiveness.
A Common Conflict: Before and After Imago
Without Imago:
Imagine the couple from earlier, where one partner feels frustrated that the other often comes home late from work. The conversation may quickly turn into blame:
“You never think about me or the kids!”
“I work hard for this family, why don’t you appreciate it?”
“You care more about our work than your family"!”
And this cycle can continue to go around-and-around whilst no one is actually sharing what they are feeling about the situation.
Both partners would likely leave the above scenario feeling unheard, with their emotions raised and the original conflict now escalated.
With Imago:
Now let’s see the same couple using the steps of Imago dialogue.
Partner A (Speaker): “I feel hurt when you come home late because it leaves me feeling unimportant.”
Partner B (Listener, Mirroring): “What I hear you saying is that when I come home late, you feel hurt and unimportant. Did I get that right?”
Partner A: “Yes, that’s right. It feels like our time together isn’t a priority.”
Partner B (Mirroring): “So I hear you saying it feels like our time together isn’t a priority. Is that correct?”
Partner A: “Yes.”
Partner B: “Is there anything else you would like to add?”
Partner A: “No, that is it.”
Partner B (Validation): “It makes sense that you’d feel that way, because when I arrive late, it cuts into the time we have to connect.”
Partner B (Empathy): “I can imagine that leaves you feeling lonely and upset.”
Now they switch roles so both voices are heard.
Partner B (Speaker): “I feel pressured when I’m late because I want to finish things at work properly, and I worry that if I don’t, I’ll fall behind.”
Partner A (Listener, Mirroring): “What I hear you saying is that when you stay late at work, you feel pressured because you want to finish things properly and you’re worried about falling behind. Did I get that right?”
Partner B: “Yes, that’s exactly it.”
Partner A: “Is there anything else you would like to add?”
Partner B: “No, that is it.”
Partner A (Validation): “That makes sense to me, because your work does have a lot of deadlines and responsibilities.”
Partner A (Empathy): “I can imagine that feels stressful and heavy for you.”
By the end of the dialogue, both partners have spoken, both have been heard, and both perspectives make sense. Instead of being stuck in blame, they now have a shared understanding of what is happening for each other. From here, they can move towards problem-solving: perhaps agreeing on clearer communication around working late, or finding ways to protect couple time.
Helpful Skills to Practise
Use “I” statements: Speak from your own feelings rather than accusing.
Take turns: Only one person speaks at a time, the other listens fully.
Stay with feelings: Share emotions, not accusations.
Mirror before responding: Repeat what you’ve heard to show understanding.
Validate: Acknowledge that your partner’s feelings make sense.
Practise empathy: Try to imagine what your partner is experiencing emotionally.
Try It Yourself: A Simple Imago Exercise
If you would like to practise Imago dialogue at home, try this short exercise with your partner:
1. Choose a small, everyday topic - nothing too heated at first. For example, “I felt frustrated when the washing up was left until the morning.”
2. One speaks, one listens - the speaker shares for a few sentences using I statements.
The listener’s only role is to mirror.
Listener: “What I hear you saying is…”
3. Check accuracy - the speaker says whether the reflection was correct.
4. Validate - the listener shows the speaker’s perspective makes sense.
Listener: “I can see how that would make sense to you because…”
5. Empathise - the listener connects with the feeling.
Listener: “I can imagine that felt…”
6. Switch roles - so both partners get to be heard.
Practise with small topics first. Over time, you’ll feel more confident using the steps with bigger challenges.
Why Communicating This Way Matters
Most of us fall into cycles of blame, defensiveness or shutting down when we feel hurt or misunderstood. These patterns often escalate conflict rather than resolve it. We get caught in arguments about who is right instead of focusing on what each person is experiencing.
Imago dialogue interrupts those cycles by slowing everything down. Instead of reacting, we listen. Instead of blaming, we share our feelings directly. Instead of assuming the worst about our partner’s motives, we take time to understand the world from their perspective.
This is powerful because it shifts the focus from “me versus you” to “us together, trying to understand each other.” It builds trust, empathy and compassion, and it reminds us that behind the conflict, both partners usually want the same thing: to feel valued, connected and secure in the relationship.
Final Thoughts
Imago dialogue is not about winning or being right. It is about building safety, slowing down and learning to truly listen. By practising mirroring, validation, empathy and clear I statements, couples can transform conflict into connection. Over time, this creates a deeper sense of trust and closeness where both partners feel valued and understood.
