Understanding Your Child’s Emotional Outbursts: What We Can Learn from the Nordic View of 'Trodsalder'
It’s a familiar scene for many parents of toddlers: a meltdown over the wrong colour cup, a refusal to get dressed, or a sudden scream in the middle of a shop. These emotional outbursts can feel exhausting, unpredictable, and sometimes even alarming. But what if we approached them not as misbehaviour to be fixed, but as emotional growing pains to be understood?
In Nordic countries, there’s a concept known as trodsalder, which roughly translates to “the boundary age.” It refers to the developmental stage, often around age two to four, when toddlers begin asserting their independence. But unlike some Western narratives that label this stage as the “terrible twos,” trodsalder carries a more compassionate and accepting tone. It sees defiance and emotional eruptions not as bad behaviour, but as part of a child’s natural and necessary growth – the boundary pushing years.
Why Toddlers Have Big Feelings
At this stage of development, young children are full of emotions they don’t yet have the tools to manage. Their language is still developing, impulse control is limited, and their brains are in a constant state of rapid growth. What looks like defiance is often the child’s way of saying “I’m overwhelmed,” “I need help,” or “I don’t know how to make sense of this feeling.”
When we view outbursts through this lens, our role as parents or carers shifts from trying to control the behaviour to helping the child feel safe enough to move through it.
Emotional Understanding: It Starts with Us
One of the most helpful things parents can do during these moments is pause and ground themselves first. That’s easier said than done, especially when you're tired, late, or being screamed at in public, but your emotional regulation helps your child co-regulate.
Here are some key ideas to keep in mind:
Big feelings in little bodies need containment, not correction. Your child isn't giving you a hard time but rather they're having a hard time.
You don’t have to fix the feeling. You just need to stay with your child through it. A calm, steady presence is often more powerful than any words.
Validation is soothing. Try phrases like:
“You really didn’t want that to happen.”
“That felt really big for you.”
“I see you’re upset, and I’m here with you.”
This kind of emotional mirroring helps children begin to recognise and name their own feelings. Over time, they internalise the message: Feelings aren’t scary or wrong – they’re something I can learn to understand.
Strategies for Supporting Yourself
Parental burnout, guilt and frustration are real. Being the emotional anchor for your child is demanding, and it’s important to care for your own wellbeing too.
Breathe before you speak. A few deep breaths can shift your nervous system and give you space to respond rather than react.
Remind yourself: this is development, not defiance. Trodsalder is a phase, not a problem to be solved.
Give yourself permission to step away. If your child is safe, it’s okay to take a moment to regroup.
Seek support, not perfection. Speaking with other parents, therapists or family members can offer emotional relief and perspective.
Gentle Structure Helps Children Feel Safe
While emotional validation is key, toddlers also benefit from clear boundaries and predictable routines. It’s not about being strict, but about creating a world that feels safe and understandable. When limits are set with calm and consistency, rather than threat or fear, children learn that the world is reliable, and that their feelings don’t make them “too much.”
Reframing the Meltdown
Every outburst is an opportunity, not just for your child’s development, but for the relationship you’re building together. When your child learns that their big feelings can be met with your calm presence, they start to internalise a powerful message: Emotions are okay. I’m okay. I’m loved, even when I’m falling apart.
And for parents, that reminder matters just as much.
