From Past to Present: How Attachment Styles Influence the Way We Relate
What is an Attachment Style?
Attachment style refers to the patterns we develop in how we connect with and relate to others. These patterns usually begin to take shape in early childhood, based on the quality of care we receive from our main caregivers. If a child experiences consistency, warmth, and safety, they are more likely to develop a sense of security. If their caregivers are distant, unpredictable, or inconsistent, the child may develop ways of relating that are shaped around these experiences.
Over time, these patterns often continue into adulthood and affect how we approach closeness, trust, and emotional intimacy. They are not fixed personality traits, but rather ways of relating that were learned through experience.
The most widely recognised attachment styles are:
Secure attachment: People with secure attachment are usually comfortable with both closeness and independence. They tend to trust themselves and others, are able to ask for help when they need it, and can also offer support to others in return.
Anxious attachment: People with this style often fear rejection or abandonment. They may seek constant reassurance, feel unsettled when they do not receive it, and can find it difficult to feel confident in their relationships.
Avoidant attachment: Those with avoidant attachment often place a high value on independence. They may keep emotional distance from others, find it uncomfortable to rely on anyone, and sometimes struggle with expressing vulnerability.
Disorganised attachment: This style combines elements of both anxious and avoidant patterns. People may long for closeness but also fear it, leading to conflicting behaviours such as pulling others close and then pushing them away.
Attachment styles are not about putting people into boxes. They simply provide a framework that can help explain why people respond differently in relationships and how early experiences can shape adult behaviour.
How Attachment Styles Impact Our Relationships With Others
Attachment styles strongly influence how we relate to partners, friends, family members, and even colleagues. They shape our expectations of others, how we handle conflict, and the level of trust we are able to place in relationships.
For example, a person with an anxious attachment style may worry when a friend takes a long time to reply to a message. Rather than assuming the friend is busy, they may fear that they have done something wrong or that the friendship is at risk. This can lead to overchecking their phone, sending repeated messages, or seeking reassurance in ways that sometimes strain the relationship.
In contrast, someone with an avoidant attachment style might find it overwhelming if a partner wants to spend a lot of time together. They may view closeness as a threat to their independence, leading them to withdraw or keep parts of themselves private. This distance can create confusion for the other person, who may feel shut out.
People with a secure attachment style usually find it easier to balance closeness and independence. They tend to be able to handle disagreements without fearing rejection, and they are more likely to resolve conflicts through calm and open communication. Those with disorganised attachment may find relationships particularly challenging. The internal struggle of wanting closeness while also fearing it can create a cycle of confusion and emotional turbulence.
Reflective prompt:
Think about your closest relationships. Do you notice any patterns in how you respond when there is distance, conflict, or change? Do you tend to seek reassurance, pull away, or try to talk things through?
How Attachment Styles Impact Our Relationship With Ourselves
Attachment does not only shape how we relate to others. It also influences how we think, feel, and respond to ourselves.
People with a secure attachment style are often able to trust their own judgement, feel confident in making decisions, and show self-compassion when things do not go as planned. They are usually better at balancing self-care with care for others.
An anxious attachment style can lead to being overly self-critical. Someone may doubt their worth, question whether they are good enough, or place heavy pressure on themselves to please others in order to feel valued.
Avoidant attachment may result in neglecting one’s own emotional needs, with a tendency to push feelings aside or dismiss them altogether.
Disorganised attachment often involves inner conflict, where a person both longs for comfort and finds it difficult to feel safe when they try to give it to themselves.
The way we relate to ourselves often mirrors the way we learned to relate to others. By exploring our attachment style, we can begin to notice these patterns and work toward developing a healthier and kinder inner dialogue.
Reflective prompt:
How do you tend to treat yourself when you are struggling? Do you respond with patience and understanding, or with criticism and pressure?
Can Attachment Styles Change?
Although early experiences are powerful, attachment styles are not fixed for life. With self-awareness and support, people can gradually move toward a more secure way of relating.
Therapy is one place where this process can begin. By reflecting on past experiences and noticing current patterns, people often learn how their attachment style has been shaped. With support, they can practise new ways of connecting, challenging old assumptions, and creating healthier expectations.
Healthy adult relationships can also help reshape attachment. A reliable, supportive partner or friend can provide a steady base that allows someone to learn to trust more deeply. Likewise, by offering consistency and warmth to others, we reinforce security in ourselves.
This process is rarely quick. It involves recognising when old fears or defences are being triggered and then practising different responses. Over time, the new patterns can feel more natural and secure.
Practical tip:
If you notice yourself reacting strongly in relationships, pause and ask, “What fear might be behind this reaction?” Identifying the underlying worry, such as fear of rejection or fear of losing independence, can be the first step toward responding differently.
Other Considerations
Attachment theory provides a useful framework, but it is not the full story. There are many other influences that shape how we relate, including personality, life experiences, and culture. Some important considerations include:
Cultural influences: Different cultures value closeness, independence, and emotional expression in different ways. A behaviour that may look like avoidant attachment in one culture might be seen as healthy independence in another.
Parenting and caregiving: Understanding attachment can help adults support children to develop a stronger sense of security. Responding consistently, showing warmth, and validating feelings are simple but powerful ways to nurture secure attachment.
Self-compassion: Regardless of attachment style, practising self-compassion can make a significant difference. By treating ourselves with kindness rather than criticism, we can soften the impact of insecure attachment and build resilience.
Final Thoughts
Attachment styles are not about labelling ourselves or others as good or bad in relationships. They are simply a way of understanding patterns that often begin in early life. By recognising these patterns, we can gain insight into why we respond the way we do. More importantly, we can begin to make changes that move us toward greater security.
Change takes time, but it is possible. With self-awareness, supportive relationships, and compassion for ourselves, we can learn to relate in ways that feel safer, healthier, and more fulfilling.
Closing reflection:
Take a moment to think about the relationships that matter most to you, including your relationship with yourself. What would moving toward security look like for you? What small steps might help you begin that process?
