Learning to Be on Your Own Side: Practising Self-Compassion
If your inner voice leans toward criticism, if rest feels undeserved, or if you struggle to treat yourself with the same care you offer others, you are not alone. This post explores what self-compassion really means, not as a fluffy ideal, but as a grounded, practical resource for emotional resilience and growth.
Whether you are beginning your self-compassion journey or supporting others in theirs, this post offers reflective prompts and practices to help you relate to yourself with greater warmth, patience and understanding.
What Is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is the practice of turning kindness inward acknowledging that you are human, imperfect, and still deserving of care. It involves meeting pain, failure, or struggle not with judgement or avoidance, but with curiosity and support.
Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in this area, outlines three core elements of self-compassion:
Self-kindness: Treating yourself with care and warmth instead of harsh self-judgement
Common humanity: Recognising that suffering and imperfection are part of being human, not signs of personal failure
Mindfulness: Being present with painful thoughts or feelings without avoiding or over-identifying with them
Self-compassion is not self-pity. It is not about letting yourself off the hook or ignoring mistakes. It is about being with yourself in the same way you would be with a close friend in a moment of difficulty – honest, patient and kind.
Why Self-Compassion Matters
Many people carry the belief that being hard on themselves will motivate change. In reality, self-criticism often leads to shame, avoidance and disconnection. Self-compassion, on the other hand, has been linked to:
Greater emotional resilience
Lower levels of anxiety and depression
Improved self-worth
Healthier motivation and goal setting
Stronger relationships with others
When we treat ourselves with compassion, we are more likely to feel safe enough to try, fail, learn and grow. We begin to believe we are worth taking care of, not because we are perfect, but because we are human.
Mindful Practices for Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is not just a mindset; it is a skill that can be cultivated through practice. Here are some gentle ways to begin:
1. Supportive Self-Talk
Notice the tone of your inner voice. Is it harsh, dismissive or demanding? Try shifting it toward something more compassionate.
You might begin with:
“This is hard right now, and I’m doing my best.”
“I made a mistake, but that doesn’t mean I’m a failure.”
“I deserve care even when I’m struggling.”
If this feels difficult, imagine what you would say to a friend in a similar situation. Then practise saying those words to yourself.
2. The Hand-on-Heart Practice
A simple way to bring compassion into the body is to place your hand gently on your chest and take a few slow breaths. This can be paired with kind phrases such as:
“I am safe.”
“I am here for myself.”
“I can meet this moment with gentleness.”
The touch can act as a cue for safety and grounding, especially when feeling overwhelmed or emotionally activated.
3. The Self-Compassion Break
This is a short practice to use in a moment of struggle. It involves three simple steps:
Mindfulness: “This is a moment of suffering.”
Common humanity: “Suffering is part of being human.”
Self-kindness: “May I be kind to myself in this moment.”
You can adapt the words to feel more natural, but the structure helps create space between the struggle and the reaction. Over time, it becomes a reliable inner script.
4. Journaling with Compassion
Set aside a few minutes to write about a recent situation that triggered self-judgement. Try to explore it from a compassionate lens:
What did I feel in that moment?
What was I needing or hoping for?
How would I speak to someone else going through this?
What might I want to hear right now?
This can help interrupt cycles of shame and build a more supportive inner narrative.
5. Soothing Rituals and Acts of Care
Self-compassion is not only about what you say to yourself, it’s also how you treat yourself. Ask:
Have I eaten today?
Have I rested?
Have I done something kind for my body or nervous system?
You might take a short walk, drink water, listen to music, or light a candle. These small acts are ways of saying, “I matter enough to take care of.”
Common Blocks to Self-Compassion
It’s normal to feel resistance to these practices, especially if your inner critic has been in charge for a long time. You might notice thoughts like:
“I don’t deserve kindness.”
“This is self-indulgent.”
“If I go easy on myself, I’ll never improve.”
These beliefs often come from early messages or environments where love was conditional. It can help to remember self-compassion is not letting yourself off the hook but rather it is helping yourself back onto it with care.
Questions for Reflection
How do I respond to myself when I’m struggling or make a mistake?
What messages have I internalised about being kind to myself?
Where did I learn that criticism was the best motivator?
What might it feel like to care for myself the way I care for others?
What small step toward compassion could I take today?
Final Thoughts
Self-compassion is not a destination but a practice, something you return to over and over again. Some days it will feel easier than others. But every time you choose kindness over judgement, you are reshaping the way you relate to yourself.
Over time, this shift can become the foundation for deeper healing, clearer boundaries, greater self-trust and a more resilient sense of worth. You do not have to earn your right to be kind to yourself. You already have it.
