Unravelling Shame: understanding, exploring, and softening the voice within
If you’ve ever felt "not good enough" no matter how hard you try, or if the idea of self-compassion feels out of reach, this post is for you. It’s also for those who support others, whether as parents, carers, or professionals, and want to better understand how shame can quietly shape our lives.
What Is Shame and How Is It Different from Guilt?
Shame and guilt are often used interchangeably, but they are distinct emotional experiences with very different impacts.
Guilt arises when we feel we’ve done something wrong. It’s focused on behaviour: "I made a mistake." Guilt can be healthy. It can motivate us to reflect, take responsibility, make amends, and grow.
Shame, on the other hand, is not about what we've done, but who we believe we are. It says: "I am the mistake." It’s a deep, internal sense of being flawed, bad, or unworthy of love and belonging.
Healthy guilt is rooted in connection, and it can guide us back to our values. Shame, by contrast, disconnects us from others and from ourselves. It isolates. It silences. And over time, it can erode our sense of self.
How Shame Gets in the Way of Growth
Shame doesn't create change but rather it creates fear. When we’re in shame, we don’t reflect; we hide. We don’t reach out; we retreat. Rather than motivating us to do better, shame often locks us into the very patterns we're trying to escape.
If we believe we’re fundamentally broken or unlovable, it’s much harder to trust that we’re capable of growth. We might avoid vulnerability, resist feedback, or self-sabotage opportunities for connection or success. And because shame thrives in secrecy, it often becomes self-reinforcing: the more we feel ashamed, the more we isolate, and the more isolated we feel, the deeper the shame becomes.
Shame and the Sense of Self
Repeated experiences of shame, particularly in childhood or early relationships, can shape how we see ourselves. If we were criticised, ignored, punished for expressing emotions, or made to feel we were "too much" or "not enough," we may carry an internal narrative of unworthiness into adulthood.
This can show up in many ways:
Constant self-doubt or fear of judgement
Asking for reassurance and not trusting oneself
Harsh inner criticism or perfectionism
Telling yourself off in times of perceived failures: “I’m useless” “I always mess it up”
Feeling undeserving of love, rest, or success
Pushing people away, working excessively with little time for self-care, not attempting something through fearing failing
A sense of being fundamentally different from or ‘less than’ others
Believing other people are more important or worthy than you
Over time, shame can become a lens through which we view our lives and ourselves. But it doesn’t have to stay that way.
Exploring Your Own Shame
Working with shame takes courage. It involves turning gently toward feelings that we may have spent years avoiding. But naming and exploring shame is the first step in loosening its hold.
You might begin by asking:
What situations or experiences trigger shame in me?
Is the shame different when you are at work? Is it stronger around certain people? Does it mostly occur during specific activities like when eating or being intimate?
What beliefs do I hold about myself when I feel ashamed?
Beliefs may sound like:
“I’m not good enough.”
“I always mess things up.”
“People will leave me if they get to know the real me.”
“I’m weak for needing help.”
“I don’t deserve to be happy.”
“I’m a failure.”
Are these beliefs mine—or did I inherit them from someone else?
We internalise messages from early relationships so explore your shame related beliefs and ask yourself if these are beliefs that were implanted by others
How do I treat myself when I feel ashamed?
Do you look after yourself – hygiene, nutrition, exercise, socialising? Do you speak kindly to yourself – “I am trying my hardest” “I made a mistake, but I am learning”? Or do you criticise yourself harshly?
What would it feel like to meet that part of me with kindness, rather than criticism?
How would it feel to accept you are a human who makes mistakes… maybe many mistakes, but a person trying none the less. Would you feel more able to change your behaviours if you viewed yourself as a person trying rather than a fixed thing that cannot grow because they are fundamentally flawed?
Writing, therapy, or quiet reflection can help bring these patterns into awareness. Shame needs light and it cannot survive being spoken and met with compassion.
Softening Shame: Steps Toward Healing
There is no quick fix for shame. But over time, it can be softened. Here are some ways to begin:
Name It
Simply recognising when you’re experiencing shame can reduce its power. Try saying to yourself, “I notice I’m feeling shame,” rather than merging fully with it.
The thoughts on a river exercise can be useful here. When you feel the shame wave coming, take some time and sit somewhere quiet. Imagine a river in front of you. Your thoughts passing by, carried by the current. As the shame inducing thoughts pass by you notice them and then move back to watch the next thought pass. This is a grounding technique that can help bring you back to the present and can reduce shame spirals.
Bring Curiosity, Not Judgement
Shame thrives in judgement. Curiosity opens space. Ask: Where is this coming from? What does this part of me need?
Explore with the curiosity of a toddler asking “why?”. Why am I feeling shame right now? Whose voice do I hear when I feel shame? What do I need to feel safer in this moment? There are no wrong questions, and the key is to try to remain nonjudgmental.
Connect
Sharing shame with a safe, trusted person—a therapist, a friend, a support group—can be profoundly healing. Shame wants you to hide. Healing asks you to come closer.
Shame does not want to be explored because it cannot hold up in the face of compassion or challenge. Another person accepting you, regardless of whatever has caused this shame for you, can be an incredibly restorative process.
Challenge the Inner Critic
That harsh voice is often internalised from others. Start to notice it. Then ask: Would I speak to a friend this way? What might a kinder voice say instead?
Something I always ask clients who come into sessions to explore their shame is: “would you talk to a friend in the same way you talk to yourself if they came with you with these issues?”. Almost always the answer is “no” because we are aware that we are not as kind to ourselves as we are to others. But this does not need to be the case, and we can treat ourselves with the same compassion and understanding we treat others with… if we allow ourselves to.
Practise Self-Compassion
Self-compassion isn’t self-indulgent—it’s essential. It means offering yourself the same understanding and care you would offer to someone you love. Not because you did something good—but because you are human.
Self-compassion will look different to different people. It might be gentle self-talk – “this is hard but I am doing my best” “I don’t have to be perfect to be worthy” “a mistake does not define me in my entirety”, or it may come in the form of validating your emotions – “this part of me is trying to protect me even if it’s hurting” “I have been through a lot, it is understandable I feel this way”, or it could be grounding and soothing exercises – mediations, journaling, breathing. Whatever it is, it is valuable because you are telling yourself that “I am worthy of compassion and care”.
Notice the Body
Shame often lives in the body—in the slump of the shoulders, the turning away, the heat in the face. Practices like grounding, breathing, movement, or even gentle touch (like placing a hand on your heart) can help the body feel safe enough to release.
You could try a body scan, which is a mindfulness practice that involves slowly brining attention to different parts of your body. The aim is to notice sensations, tension, or discomfort without trying to change anything – just observing with curiosity and acceptance. It helps build awareness of the body, reduce stress, and promote relaxation.
Final Thoughts
Shame is a powerful emotion, but it is not a life sentence. It is a response, a learned pattern, not an identity. And like all patterns, it can be unlearned.
As you begin to name and soften your shame, you create space to develop your self-trust, your worthiness, and your freedom to grow.
