Unravelling Shame: understanding, exploring, and softening the voice within

This blog is for anyone who feels stuck in cycles of self-criticism, unworthiness, or fear of being truly seen. If you’ve ever felt "not good enough" no matter how hard you try, or if the idea of self-compassion feels out of reach, this post is for you. It’s also for those who support others—whether as parents, carers, or professionals—and want to better understand how shame can quietly shape our lives.

What Is Shame—and How Is It Different from Guilt?

Shame and guilt are often used interchangeably, but they are distinct emotional experiences with very different impacts.

• Guilt arises when we feel we’ve done something wrong. It’s focused on behaviour: "I made a mistake." Guilt can be healthy—it can motivate us to reflect, take responsibility, make amends, and grow.

• Shame, on the other hand, is not about what we've done, but who we believe we are. It says: "I am the mistake." It’s a deep, internal sense of being flawed, bad, or unworthy of love and belonging.

Healthy guilt is rooted in connection—it can guide us back to our values. Shame, by contrast, disconnects us from others and from ourselves. It isolates. It silences. And over time, it can erode our sense of self.

How Shame Gets in the Way of Growth

Shame doesn't create change—it creates fear. When we’re in shame, we don’t reflect; we hide. We don’t reach out; we retreat. Rather than motivating us to do better, shame often locks us into the very patterns we're trying to escape.

If we believe we’re fundamentally broken or unlovable, it’s much harder to trust that we’re capable of growth. We might avoid vulnerability, resist feedback, or self-sabotage opportunities for connection or success. And because shame thrives in secrecy, it often becomes self-reinforcing: the more we feel ashamed, the more we isolate—and the more isolated we feel, the deeper the shame becomes.

Shame and the Sense of Self

Repeated experiences of shame—particularly in childhood or early relationships—can shape how we see ourselves. If we were criticised, ignored, punished for expressing emotions, or made to feel we were "too much" or "not enough," we may carry an internal narrative of unworthiness into adulthood.

This can show up in many ways:

• Constant self-doubt or fear of judgement

• Harsh inner criticism or perfectionism

• Feeling undeserving of love, rest, or success

• A sense of being fundamentally different from or ‘less than’ others

Over time, shame can become a lens through which we view our lives—and ourselves. But it doesn’t have to stay that way.

Exploring Your Own Shame

Working with shame takes courage. It involves turning gently toward feelings that we may have spent years avoiding. But naming and exploring shame is the first step in loosening its hold.

You might begin by asking:

• What situations or experiences trigger shame in me?

• What beliefs do I hold about myself when I feel ashamed?

• Are these beliefs mine—or did I inherit them from someone else?

• How do I treat myself when I feel ashamed?

• What would it feel like to meet that part of me with kindness, rather than criticism?

Writing, therapy, or quiet reflection can help bring these patterns into awareness. Shame needs light—it cannot survive being spoken and met with compassion.

Softening Shame: Steps Toward Healing

There is no quick fix for shame. But over time, it can be softened. Here are some ways to begin:

1. Name It
   Simply recognising when you’re experiencing shame can reduce its power. Try saying to yourself, “I notice I’m feeling shame,” rather than merging fully with it.

2. Bring Curiosity, Not Judgement
   Shame thrives in judgement. Curiosity opens space. Ask: Where is this coming from? What does this part of me need?

3. Connect
   Sharing shame with a safe, trusted person—a therapist, a friend, a support group—can be profoundly healing. Shame wants you to hide. Healing asks you to come closer.

4. Challenge the Inner Critic
   That harsh voice is often internalised from others. Start to notice it. Then ask: Would I speak to a friend this way? What might a kinder voice say instead?

5. Practise Self-Compassion
   Self-compassion isn’t self-indulgent—it’s essential. It means offering yourself the same understanding and care you would offer to someone you love. Not because you did something good—but because you are human.

6. Notice the Body
   Shame often lives in the body—in the slump of the shoulders, the turning away, the heat in the face. Practices like grounding, breathing, movement, or even gentle touch (like placing a hand on your heart) can help the body feel safe enough to release.

Final Thoughts

Shame is a powerful emotion, but it is not a life sentence. It is a response—a learned pattern—not an identity. And like all patterns, it can be unlearned.

As you begin to name and soften your shame, you create space for something else to grow: self-trust, worthiness, and the freedom to change—not because you’re broken, but because you’re already enough.

And you are.