Valentine’s Day and the Way We Love: Understanding Ourselves and Our Patterns
Valentine’s Day tends to magnify whatever we already feel about love. For some, it’s a time of connection and appreciation; for others, it brings loneliness, disappointment, or pressure. Rather than focusing on the day itself, it can be helpful to use it as an opportunity for reflection and to look at how we understand love, how we relate to others, and how we relate to ourselves.
The Roots of How We Love
Much of how we experience love in adulthood begins in childhood. Through early relationships, we learn what love looks like, how safe it feels to depend on others, and whether our needs will be met. If love was conditional or inconsistent growing up, it may later feel fragile or uncertain. We might find ourselves repeating old patterns and seeking closeness while fearing rejection, or withdrawing when things become emotionally intense.
Psychodynamic therapy often explores these unconscious patterns, helping us understand how early attachment experiences shape our expectations of love and intimacy. When we bring these patterns into awareness, we create space for choice and the possibility to respond differently instead of repeating what once protected us.
Expectations and the Inner Critic
Valentine’s Day can also activate the inner critic, the voice that compares, judges, or measures our worth against others. Social media and cultural messages can feed this voice, suggesting that love should look a certain way - grand gestures, constant affection, or the “perfect” relationship.
From a CBT perspective, this can be seen as a form of unhelpful thinking. We might notice patterns such as:
All-or-nothing thinking: “If I’m not in a relationship, I must be unlovable.”
Emotional reasoning: “I feel lonely today, so I must always be alone.”
Mind reading: “They didn’t plan something special, so they must not care.”
Recognising these thought patterns doesn’t mean dismissing our feelings, but rather questioning whether our thoughts reflect the full picture. Once we name these distortions, we can begin to challenge them gently and reframe them in a way that feels more balanced.
Example 1 – Feeling Invisible:
Original thought: “No one ever notices me or cares about me.”
Step back: “I’m having the thought that no one cares about me.”
Reframe: “I’m feeling unseen right now, but there are people who care about me, and I can reach out or show care for myself in small ways.”
Example 2 – Comparing to Others:
Original thought: “Everyone else’s relationships are perfect, and mine isn’t.”
Step back: “I’m having the thought that everyone else’s relationships are perfect.”
Reframe: “I’m noticing jealousy and comparison, but every relationship has challenges, and mine can grow in its own way.”
The Cycle of Protection
When love has felt uncertain in the past, we sometimes protect ourselves by avoiding vulnerability. Psychodynamically, this can be seen as a defence - a way of guarding against old pain. These defences often develop in response to early experiences of rejection, inconsistency, or emotional neglect. They might show up as focusing on a partner’s flaws, keeping relationships at a distance, overthinking every interaction, or convincing ourselves that we don’t need others at all.
While these strategies once helped us cope with emotional uncertainty, they can now make connection feel risky or difficult. The patterns that once kept us safe may now keep us disconnected with the cycle of feeling unlovable being maintained.
Recognising these defences allows us to understand that behind the protective behaviours is a simple wish: to feel safe, seen, and valued. Awareness gives us the opportunity to respond differently. For example, noticing a tendency to withdraw might encourage a small step toward honest communication, or observing critical thoughts about a partner might lead to pausing and reflecting on what we truly need. Over time, understanding the origins of these protective patterns can help us experience love and connection with greater openness and emotional safety.
Developing a More Balanced View of Love
From a CBT viewpoint, one way to begin shifting these patterns is by becoming more aware of how our thoughts, emotions, and behaviours interact. This awareness helps us recognise the moments when old beliefs start to drive our reactions, giving us a chance to respond with intention rather than habit. When we notice that a thought like “I’ll always be let down” leads to withdrawal or silence, we can pause and experiment with a new response. Perhaps it is expressing what we need, or maybe it is offering ourselves the reassurance we once sought from others.
Psychodynamically, this also involves integrating past and present. It means recognising that while our early experiences shaped how we relate, they do not have to define our capacity for connection now. As we bring old emotional patterns into awareness, we begin to see that our current relationships are separate from the past. Our adult self can now offer the care and reassurance that were once missing, allowing us to experience love with more stability and less fear.
A Reflective Exercise
This Valentine’s Day, you might take a few quiet moments to reflect on the following:
What messages about love did I absorb growing up?
How do those early experiences influence the way I approach relationships today?
What unhelpful thoughts or beliefs about love might I want to challenge?
How can I show care for myself in the same way I wish to be cared for by others?
Writing down your reflections can bring clarity and help you see patterns that operate beneath the surface.
A Closing Thought
Valentine’s Day can feel complicated because love itself is complicated. But when we begin to understand the stories, beliefs, and defences that shape how we relate, we open the possibility for a more authentic connection with ourselves and those around us.
