IMAGO Without the Script: Empathy as the Core of Healthy Relationships
In my practice, IMAGO relationship therapy often shows up quietly. Not always through the full dialogue structure, and not always with both partners consciously engaging in an “IMAGO process”. Instead, I draw on its underlying principles and weave them into the way I listen, respond, validate, and encourage empathy. I also try, imperfectly and humanly, to live these principles in my own relationships.
For me, IMAGO offers a powerful way of understanding relationships that can sit comfortably alongside person centred theory. When we strip away the structure, what remains are core relational attitudes that foster safety, connection, and growth. These attitudes can be practised in everyday relationships, without the other person ever needing to know what IMAGO is.
This blog explores how IMAGO can inform our relationships in a more organic way, how it aligns with the core conditions of person centred theory, and how empathy and validation can soften conflict, shift dynamics, and reduce personal distress.
IMAGO as a Way of Seeing, Not Just a Technique
At its heart, IMAGO is about understanding that our intimate relationships are shaped by our early relational experiences. We are drawn, often unconsciously, to people who reflect both the comforts and the wounds of our early caregivers. Conflict, from this perspective, is not a sign that something is wrong. It is an invitation to growth and understanding.
When IMAGO is practised formally, there is a clear structure: mirroring, validation, and empathy. In my work, I worry less about rigidly mirroring what has been said unless one partner is clearly not feeling heard. Instead, I focus heavily on validation and empathy. These two elements alone can be profoundly regulating and connecting.
Used this way, IMAGO becomes less about following a script and more about holding a particular stance towards the other person.
Linking IMAGO and Person Centred Theory
Person centred therapy rests on three core conditions: empathy, unconditional positive regard, and congruence. When I think about IMAGO without its structure, I see a strong parallel here.
Empathy: making a genuine effort to understand the other person’s internal world.
Unconditional positive regard: separating the person from the behaviour, and holding a non judgemental stance even when we disagree.
Congruence: being real and authentic, rather than performing “good communication”.
Validation in IMAGO maps closely onto unconditional positive regard. Empathy, in both models, is not about agreement. It is about understanding. When these attitudes are present, people tend to soften. Defences lower. Conversations become less about winning and more about being understood.
Moving Away From Mirroring, and Towards Meaning
Mirroring can be incredibly helpful when someone feels dismissed, interrupted, or misunderstood. However, outside of therapy rooms, strict mirroring can feel unnatural or even patronising. Many people are more receptive to feeling emotionally understood than to hearing their words repeated back verbatim.
For example:
Instead of: “What I hear you saying is that you felt ignored when I checked my phone.”
You might say: “I can see how that would have felt really dismissive.”
The second response still conveys understanding, but it prioritises emotional meaning over accuracy of wording.
Depersonalising Conflict Through Empathy
One of the most powerful effects of empathy is its ability to depersonalise perceived attacks. When we feel criticised, it is easy to hear, “You are the problem.” Empathy invites a different question: “What might be happening for them right now?”
This does not mean excusing hurtful behaviour. It means widening the lens.
Example 1: The Late Partner
A partner comes home late without texting.
Without empathy: “They do not care about me.”
With empathy: “They might have been overwhelmed or lost track of time. That does not mean my feelings are unimportant.”
You can still express your hurt, but from a grounded place: “I felt anxious and unimportant when I did not hear from you. I need reassurance around communication.”
Example 2: The Defensive Response
Your partner snaps when you raise an issue.
Without empathy: “They are being aggressive on purpose.”
With empathy: “This might be touching something tender for them, like feeling criticised or not good enough.”
Responding with validation can shift the tone: “I am not trying to attack you. I can see this is hard to hear.”
Everyday Validation in Action
Validation is about making sense of someone’s experience, even if you would experience the situation differently.
Example 3: Different Thresholds
One partner feels overwhelmed by mess. The other barely notices it.
Validation might sound like: “It makes sense that the clutter stresses you out. You need more visual calm than I do.”
This does not require agreeing that the mess is objectively stressful. It acknowledges the other person’s reality.
Example 4: Emotional Reactions That Feel ‘Too Much’
A friend becomes tearful over something that seems minor.
Instead of minimising, you might say: “Given everything you have been carrying, I can understand why this tipped you over.”
Small Practices to Build Empathy in Daily Life
Below are short activities that can be woven into everyday interactions. They are intentionally simple and do not require the other person to know you are practising anything at all.
1. The Meaning Question
When someone reacts strongly, silently ask yourself: “What might this mean for them?” Focus on meaning rather than content.
2. The Validating Sentence
Practise starting responses with phrases like:
“That makes sense when I think about…”
“I can see why that would feel…”
Notice how this changes the flow of conversation.
3. Emotion Labelling
Gently name the emotion you think the other person is experiencing: “It sounds like you felt really disappointed.” If you get it wrong, correction builds more understanding.
4. Slowing the Body
Empathy is harder when the nervous system is activated. Before responding, take one slow breath and relax your jaw or shoulders. Regulation supports connection.
5. Curiosity Over Defence
When you feel defensive, replace explanation with curiosity: “Can you help me understand what that was like for you?”
How This Shifts Relationship Dynamics
When validation and empathy become habitual, relationships often feel less adversarial. Conflict moves from me versus you to us trying to understand what is happening between us. Over time, this can reduce shame, soften reactivity, and increase emotional safety.
Many people also report a reduction in personal distress. When we stop taking everything as a personal attack, our internal world becomes calmer. We gain choice in how we respond.
A Longer Empathy Practice: For Use Alone or With a Partner
This exercise can be done as a reflective journaling practice or as a shared conversation.
Choose a recent moment of tension. Keep it specific and manageable.
Describe what happened, focusing on observable facts rather than interpretations.
Name your emotional experience. What did you feel in your body and emotions?
Imagine the other person’s internal world. What pressures, fears, or unmet needs might have been present for them?
Offer validation. Write or say one sentence that makes sense of their reaction, without minimising your own experience.
Identify your need. What did you need in that moment, and how might you express this clearly and kindly?
If doing this with a partner, take turns and allow each person to speak without interruption. The aim is understanding, not resolution.
Closing Reflections
IMAGO does not have to be practised in its full structure to be deeply transformative. When we carry its principles, particularly empathy and validation, into everyday life, we create relationships that feel safer and more compassionate. Paired with the core conditions of person centred theory, this way of relating invites growth, reduces distress, and reminds us that beneath conflict there is usually a longing to be understood.
These are not skills we master once. They are practices we return to, again and again, in therapy rooms and at kitchen tables alike.
